The Hidden Cost of Likes
The hidden cost of seeking validation on social media.
The Hidden Cost of Likes
By Damodar Roe
“We’ve moved away from having a tools-based technology environment, and instead to an addiction- and manipulation-based technology environment.”
—Tristan Harris, Former Design Ethicist at Google
If Galileo had Tik Tok
In the age of social media, our lives have become intertwined with digital personas, carefully curated to project an image of perfection and popularity. However, beneath the veneer of likes and followers, there lies a profound paradox. As we strive for validation and connection online, we risk losing sight of what truly matters, and sacrificing our authentic selves on the altar of social approval.
You might doubt yourself because of negative comments or receiving a small number of likes, even about something that’s really important to you. You might feel so concerned with digital status, that you stare at your phone even while you’re with your friends and family. The blur of random videos on your feed hypnotizes you into a state of passive consumption, as corporations harvest your personal data and send you curated ads that suit their interests. This blunts your focus on the things that really matter in life, and makes you maladaptive.
We assume that likes, positive comments, and shares, reveal the true value of something. But just because something isn’t very popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. For example, imagine if social media existed in the 1960s, and Martin Luther King Jr. shared his ideas about racial equality and nonviolence on Instagram, Twitter (X), and TikTok. Imagine how many hateful comments he would receive, and how he might get banned from the platform. Wouldn’t it be a shame if he doubted himself because of this, and then tried to cope with it by spacing out on screens with all the time? What a powerful and dignified voice we would have lost. What would have happened to the world if we never saw him standing on his own two feet?
Similarly, just because something is unpopular doesn’t mean it’s not true. Imagine if Galileo had shared his discoveries on social media that our universe revolves around the sun. Would the sun have switched course, and started revolving around the Earth just because the Catholic church launched a campaign to discredit him? Of course, the cutting-edge research of this great scientist might not have gotten very far if he was always passively scanning shiny bits of piecemeal information.
Dr. King and Galileo both stood for what they believed in against all odds. And their powerful ideas eventually changed the world in spite of having been very unpopular at the time. When it comes to you, whether you make an impact on eight people or 8.1 billion people, what’s important is that your contribution means something to you.
The Hidden COst of Likes
We are all born and raised with certain cultural assumptions, ways of doings things, likes, and dislikes. What makes something bright and popular at any given time is not brought about by the sun of truth, but by the electronic buttons of opinion. Whether in comment sections, posts, or viral videos, we absorb so much loud approval or blame on social media about what is cool or weird. When these opinions are constantly echoed and amplified across platforms, the torrent of influencers sets a standard in your mind of what is “cool” or “normal.” The opinions are often not explicitly stated but communicated subliminally like advertisements. Anything you might have previously learned or figured out on your own is brought into question because you know that it’s different, and to be different is vulnerable. Especially if you’re prone to people-pleasing, pursuing a unique path in life feels nearly impossible.
The urge to fit in runs deep in all human beings and is related to our survival instincts. Many people’s worst fears are rejection or abandonment. This because we are social creations, and in extreme scenarios, being expelled from society can be a kind of death. There is a healthy place for fitting in, like being respectful of other people and conscientious of social norms. But the fear of rejection can become irrational when you start to feel like your life depends on being liked. This irrational fear influences you to make choices that compromise your values and well-being.
Values: When you focus on making people like you, it becomes your main goal and stops you from making choices based on your values.
Well-being: Since other people’s perceptions and opinions about you are outside of your direct control, when you try to control that, it makes you insecure, anxious, and ungrounded.
The way you know when to blend in and when to stand out is by making choices according to your own values. But in order to discover and live by your values, it is necessary to at least be willing to be stand out and be different sometimes. Otherwise, if you blindly conform or rebel against societal standards, you may overlook or suppress what truly matters to you, leading to a sense of emptiness or disconnection from your inner voice. It requires the courage to stand by your convictions, even if they challenge prevailing opinions or traditions. Fitting in, being popular, getting a million likes or followers — these things feel nice for a moment. But they’re too shallow to serve as the most important goal of your life. At some point, you need to get up and do something that matters to you, even when it means not fitting in.
Insiders Speak Out
Social media platforms are intentionally designed to exploit certain vulnerabilities in human psychology, such as the desire for external validation. Here are some quotes some insiders that expose this agenda:
“The thought process that went into building these applications — Facebook being the first of them — was all about: ‘How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?’ And that means that we need to give you a little dopamine hit every once in a while, because someone liked or commented on a photo or a post or whatever. And that’s going to get you to contribute more content, and that's going to get you more likes and comments. It’s a social-validation feedback loop — exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come up with, because you’re exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology. The inventors, creators — it’s me, it’s Mark (Zuckerberg), it’s Kevin Systrom on Instagram, it’s all of these people — understood this consciously. And we did it anyway.” — Sean Parker, Founding President of Facebook
“We took a page from Big Tobacco’s playbook, working to make our offering addictive at the outset.” — Tim Kendall, Former Director of Monetization at Facebook
“One of the core things that is going on is that they have incentives to get people to use their service as much as they possibly can, so that has driven them to create a product that is built to be addictive. Facebook is a fundamentally addictive product that is designed to capture as much of your attention as possible without any regard for the consequences. Tech addiction has a negative impact on your health, and on your children’s health. It enables bad actors to do new bad things, from electoral meddling to sex trafficking. It increases narcissism and people’s desire to be famous on Instagram. And all of those consequences ladder up to the business model of getting people to use the product as much as possible through addictive, intentional design tactics, and then monetizing their users’ attention through advertising.” — Sandy Parakilas, Former Facebook Operations Manager
“[Social media is] an advertising-based business model with all-knowing technology that can stitch together the most riveting feed of content that will trigger every single base emotion you have and keep you coming back for more.” — Tim Kendel, Former Director of Monetization at Facebook
Anti Social Media Manifesto
Social media is the opiate of the masses. It feeds on our insecurities, turning us into products to be sold and consumed. While we’re sleepwalking through life, too busy crafting the perfect online image and checking likes to truly grow as a person, the algorithm is what’s growing instead. The more we “share”, the less we connect. The more we worry what people will “like”, the less we know what we truly value.
Social media gives us the illusion of control. But it determines all the options you have to choose from. Therefore, conscientious individuals set their own rules and guidelines for social media use that empower them to use these tools without becoming slaves to its addictive nature.
1
When you wake up in the morning,
don’t make your first choice to passively space out on a screen.
Get up and seize the day.
2
Turn off all push notifications from social media apps.
Only log on by your own purposeful initiative.
3
No scrolling down any infinite feeds of random content,
which puts you in a mindless, passive state.
Only search intentionally according to your own conscious interests and purpose.
Find creative ways to get the best out of the internet and use it to your advantage,
rather than being exploited by the intentionally addictive features of social media.
4
No clicking on the notifications bell, which prompts your behavior.
Only check for comments on previous posts after your eagerness to do so has waned.
Don’t intentionally check views or likes on your stories at all.
If you must check these things, do it as infrequently as possible and skim quickly.
5
Make it hard to access social media on your phone.
This optimizes your ability to act consciously, rather than impulsively.
To follow these rules is challenging, but you can do it. And the journey is an opportunity to grow as a person. Here’s how:
There is a moment after you feel urge to log on or post, and you haven’t done it yet. Take this important moment to check your intentions and look at the crossroads in front of you. On one side is a shimmering mirage of validation, beckoning you with the promise of likes, comments, and shares. On the other side is an journey towards deeper relationships, identity, and purpose. Always consider which path your mind is trying to take you down. And if it’s lusting after that false mirage, then just rest assured that the desire won’t last forever, and you don’t have to act on it. In fact, you shouldn’t act on it. (Unless you want to join the masses who make money for the social media platforms, offering their spirits to the screen so that advertisers can imbed messages deep into their psyches.)
The conscientious individual might go online to advocate for an important cause, build a brand, research knowledge, or share personal photos with friends and family. But his values are sturdy anchors, firmly rooted in the bedrock of identity and purpose. He always keeps at least one foot out of the water, as the tide of likes and comments ebbs and flows. And his anchors remain unmoved, guiding him with unwavering certainty. His concerns are with real life, and the people he loves.
More and more people are waking up to the reality of social media, and becoming conscientious individuals. They’re tired of the narcissistic self-obsession, wasting time, and constant thirst for attention and validation. You are also called upon to stand up because you are not your Instagram profile. You are a human being. And your mission is to take action and makes choices that serve what really matters to you.
Challenges Build Character
Embrace challenges to grow stronger and make better choices.
Workouts Build Character
By Damodar Roe
Opposite Action Therapy
WE SHOULD DO IT BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO
We’d rather think that exercise is impossible than admit our laziness and do something uncomfortable. The fear of challenges is the root problem. Trying to avoid difficulty doesn’t only keep you from developing a healthy workout routine. It also undermines your ability to live according to your own core values, especially when that option is more difficult. This is why many men today are suffering. They haven’t identified what’s really important to them, regardless of how popular or unpopular it is. They haven’t developed the fortitude to govern their own actions, even when their natural impulses pull them in different directions. But by seeking out challenges in your life, and intentionally doing things that are difficult, you can develop that fortitude, transform your life, and become the man you admire.
The world is a different place for the man who has a weak character and the man who has a strong one. Allowing your mind to control your life forces you to replay the same patterns over and over again. Even though you feel guilt and shame from doing things you shouldn’t, (and not doing things you should), your efforts to change are made ineffective by the avoidance of discomfort. This is not because you’re a bad person, but because you haven’t developed the power to act any differently yet. When you don’t realize the reason why you’re stuck, it starts to feel like the world is a deterministic place where you’re destined for “failure”. But once you’ve found hope in the power of discipline, you will realize that even though you have various thoughts, feelings, and desires, you can still determine the direction of your life by choosing how you respond to them. To the extent that you have the strength and fortitude to act independently of how you feel, you are truly free.
When your mind says “it’s too hard” or any other negative and self-limiting belief, the only way to overcome this mental barrier is do something that proves it wrong. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, this skill is called “opposite action”. For example, how many push-ups can you do in one hour? Regardless of what you might guess or anticipate, the only one way to find out is by trying. Push yourself until you realize for a fact that you’re stronger than you imagined.
You will start to realize that the discomfort you feel from exercise is just a temporary feeling. It’s not as bad as the mind portrays it, it doesn’t last forever, and it doesn’t disgrace you. In fact, accepting these feelings for the sake of doing what you need to do actually makes your life better. Similarly, whether you’re nervous to speak up for yourself, face your fears, or try something new, these hesitations are just temporary feelings, too. They don’t have to control your life.
By embracing discomfort in one area, like exercise, you build resilience and confidence in all areas of your life. You learn that pushing through fear and discomfort can lead to growth, improved self-esteem, and a more fulfilling life. You can use this newfound confidence in all areas of your life to show up as the person you want to be, without being intimidated by the mind or limited by the avoidance of discomfort.
BECOME A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER
It’s a common experience to start a workout routine with enthusiasm only to lose steam after a few weeks. The problem is not a lack of motivation, but the wrong motivations. Some people enjoy fantasizing about reaching the mountain peak of success, but they aren’t willing to do the work required to get there. They never get started. Other people are willing to do the work, but only if they will be admired by other people when they reach the top. They get pretty far sometimes, but that success is followed by a surge of complacency once the show is over.
The reason you’re inconsistent with your workouts is because your motivations are conditional. You want to look amazing, gain the admiration of other people, and rank #1 in competition. But the moment you actually achieve these goals, or realize you might not be able to achieve them, your motivation evaporates.
To cultivate a sustainable workout routine, it’s essential to shift your focus from conditional goals to intrinsic motivations. Stop fantasizing about the mountain peak while hanging out at base, or climbing just to show off, and actually become a mountain-climber. Forget what anyone thinks or says. Whether you’re at the base or the peak, resting between climbs or right in the middle of it, think of the journey as the reward and an expression of who you are as a person.
In psychology, this is called intrinsic motivation. Here are some examples:
The wish to be more like your heroes.
The drive to take control of your own life.
The obsession of beating your own records and pursuing mastery.
The journey to become as strong as possible.
The satisfaction of knowing how to be confident in yourself.
What sets this kind of motivation apart is it makes the workout itself into the reward. In essence, it doesn’t matter what you look like or where you place in competition. The reward for doing your best is discovering your own strength. The experience of difficulty is a rewarding arena where you discover what you’re capable of. You start to develop a routine of regularly challenging yourself and having fun with the goals you set. Even though you’re not in the mood to workout sometimes, this obstacle becomes an opportunity. You take action anyway and cultivate the superpower of discipline, which empowers you to accomplish whatever you set your mind to, rather than being limited by the negativity of the mind.
MEASURE MEANING OVER MUSCLE
Once a Spartan was defeated in a wrestling match at the Olympic games. Someone commented, “Your opponent has proved himself the better man.”
“No,” the Spartan replied, “A better wrestler he might be. But not a better citizen, a better person, a better resource in tight places, or a better forgiver of faults.”
— Plutarch, Sayings of the Spartans 236e
When you’re losing weight or gaining muscle, these kinds of benefits should be seen as a welcome bonus, and not the true standard of progress. After all, the body is just a vehicle. Even though it’s better to be healthy than unhealthy, more important is the meaning you make out of your limited time in this life. The more you’re attached to external results and recognition, the more likely you’ll get impatient or frustrated and lose your motivation. The more likely you’ll lose focus on what’s actually important.
So how do know when you’re making progress with developing your character traits when those are not things you cannot be directly seen, heard, touched, tasted, or smelt?
Here are some signs of progress to look for in yourself:
Your mind is less stubborn when it comes to doing difficult or unpleasant tasks. You find yourself taking on challenges with a sense of determination rather than dread, and you’re more willing to step out of your comfort zone.
You are more consistent in living a lifestyle according to your core values. Your actions align with your beliefs and principles, and you make choices that reflect who you truly are, even when it’s difficult or inconvenient.
You celebrate the success of other people, whether they’re ahead, behind, or at your side. Instead of feeling threatened or envious, you find joy in the achievements of others and see them as inspiration rather than competition.
MEN ARE SUFFERING FOR WANT OF COURAGE
Men are suffering because they haven’t been shown how to develop the strength it takes to live a life of integrity. Instead, too many of us are running away from discomfort with bad habits and distractions, and not staying true to our values when that means being uncomfortable or not fitting in. But working out can be an act of dissent from this misguided culture when it’s performed in the right spirit.
Take action despite the discomfort and resistance of your mind, and push forward without being attached to any external admiration. Then you build character, not just muscle. This is what it means to be courageous — to be a hero in the story of your own life as you face challenges head-on and develop both physical strength and inner resilience. You will realize that you’re stronger than you ever imagined. And this progressive realization will empower you to forge yourself into a gentleman whom your loved ones can depend on, and someone you can depend on, too.